I'm going to need to give up on this whole port forwarding thing. I've spent a couple of hours fiddling with all the settings, rebooting my router multiple times, etc, and this just plain isn't working. I suspect that the issue is that my IP isn't actually static .. that it's actually DHCP assigned (even though it's remained unchanged for the past 4 months). I really just need something like ngrok that I can run directly on the Onion, but I guess I'm out of luck. Thanks for your help everyone. Have a great weekend.